Kick shame to the curb
Shame is a powerful emotion that can dominate our lives in the shadows, affecting everything from relationships to our sense of self-worth. Unlike guilt, which focuses on specific actions ("I did something bad"), shame attacks our very identity ("I am bad").
Ellen Hendriksen, Ph.D., at Boston University, explores this subject in her book, How to be Enough: Self-Acceptance for Self-Critics and Perfectionists. Dr. Hendricksen explains how we feel about ourselves, which can significantly diminish our quality of life if left unchecked, but there are effective ways to reduce its grip.
Shame doesn't just make us temporarily uncomfortable—it can fundamentally change our lives. People carrying chronic shame struggle with vulnerability, avoiding close relationships for fear of being "found out." This isolation only reinforces shame's message that we are fundamentally flawed or unworthy of connection.
Perhaps most damaging is shame's impact on our mental health. Research has linked chronic shame to depression, anxiety, addiction, and even trauma responses. When stuck in a shame cycle, happiness feels perpetually out of reach,m and knowing what to do can feel daunting, so here are three areas that can break the shame cycle.
1. Be Kind(er) to Yourself
How we talk to ourselves is something we all need to consider. When a friend gives us a call and says, "Hey, I'm having a crappy day. This and that went wrong, and I just can't do this other thing today." Of course, we're understanding. Of course, we will reassure them that everything will be okay. We've all been there.
Issuing that same courtesy to ourselves needs to be part of the conversation. We are indeed our worst critics. When we make mistakes, resist the urge to berate yourself. Don't let the automatic response be critical. We need to realize that imperfection is part of the human experience.
ACTION: When you start to feel that feeling (i.e., frustration, negative self-talk, or hopelessness), place a hand on your heart and speak kindly: "This is just a moment. This experience does not define me. Next time will be better."
2. Share Your Story with Trusted Others
Shame loves isolation. It thrives in the shadows and gains traction when left alone. However, it loses power when we bring shameful experiences into the light. Sharing with a trusted listener can relieve a ton of pressure and make you feel safe and supported. You'll likely notice that most trusted friends are understanding, not judgmental.
ACTION: Next time you feel overwhelmed or stuck, try calling a trusted friend. Tell them how you're feeling and notice what happens. Being met with understanding and empathy can boost your mood and challenge your beliefs about yourself.
3. Separate Your Identity from Your Actions
Who we are does not define what we do. Making mistakes doesn't make you a mistake, and having flaws doesn't make you fundamentally flawed. We define the rules, and when the rules operate on impossible standards, we fail. This is where perfectionism can take hold, and all sense of reason goes out the door. Reasonable expectations are simply a skill we have to practice. As we continue to meet expectations, confidence builds.
ACTION: Practice rephrasing negative self-talk. Instead of "I'm such a failure," try "I struggled with this particular task." Instead of "I'm unlovable," consider "That relationship didn't work out, but that doesn't define my worth."
Taking small, consistent steps can gradually loosen shame's hold on your life. The result is freedom from bad feelings, unmet expectations, and, dare I say, genuine happiness—the kind that comes from living authentically and compassionately with yourself and others.
